Razed or is it….

Raped.

Yes, Kamau*, a 40 year old man was abused sexually…. by a woman, Njeri*.

Why are peeps laughing? It happened….OK, I don’t have any proof but…..aaaah enjoy the story!

First, let me you give some background info.

Kamau & Njeri had been married before but it didn’t work (or so Kamau thought) and thus were divorced. Njeri, has refused to move on and even after Kamau remarried, she harboured some thought of them getting back together. These sentiments were shared by Kamau’s mother, who didn’t like the new wife.

The two tried in vain to separate Kamau from his new found love but failed miserably! That’s when they hatched a plan to rape the poor dude and by doing this, Njeri will get pregnant! If she gets pregnant, Kama will come back running….. (eish like it would work)!

How did they pull it of?

Mother invites son to her house with pretext of sort….. when the guy fikas, she welcomes him with a beer laced with ‘tap tap’ (some sort of dawa haramu) and Viagra.

Now you all know no man will turn down a drink so Kama fell victim. The ‘tap tap’ ensured he was knocked cold out of the world and the Viagra…., well you know what it does. Some part of him remained up, lively & perky!

And perky he was!

Now if he did actually release his eeeeh seeds, that is subject to some debate….

Haiya moving on,

This weekend as I watched Man U run riot on poor hapless WestHam, I saw this pregnant woman sipping on a cold Guinness. It got me thinking (Yes it happens often). Isn’t this Harmful to the baby? Actually isn’t all form of alcohol not adviced when one is in this state?

As I sipped my cold eeeeh kinywaji, another thought occurred to me. Of course, gutter mode was ON and blaring…..

Guinness has been rumoured to be an aphrodisiac (isn’t the reason why some women drink it?) and I have also heard that at some stage, pregnancy also serves as an aphrodisiac of sort…… so if the two are combined……? Ok, my thoughts were distracted my Man U third goal…..

So can someone confirm if the medical folklore that Guinness is beneficial for new born babies is true?

Ooooh and i hear the aphrodisiac effects of Ngii nene are primarily psychological….. but then, have they researched on Kenyan women who mix it Coca cola?!

Siku njema!

** The names used above are purely fictional & so could be the story

uneducated & highly curious…

I happen to be one of those unlucky guys who never got a chance to be taken through a serious sex education class(es) back in school (or varsity for that matter) . However I’ve learnt enough stuff through my own initiative mainly from the university of life…. sometimes first hand.

All the same there some few things that still fumble me. Kindly pardon my ignorance.

We all know (or have heard like  in my case) that when demonstrating how to use a Kondiero, the facilitators either use a banana or anything resembling an ‘erect’ bolingo…. to drive the point home. Now that we have Female condoms, what exactly do they use for this demonstrations??

Talking about the female CD’s, i have heard that it should be worn like 3 (or more) hours before the act…… and am thinking unless you have definitive well oiled plans to get eeeeeeh laid, doesn’t this leave a lot of room for disappointments?

And what about those impulsive moments, You want it, He wants it and you are the only one with  rubber, do you start asking for a 3 hour reprieve or some sort of amnesty to be ready?

Alafu, is it one size fit all…? Can it be reused/recycled?

and doesn’t it make a lot of noise seeing that it’s inserted in some eeeeeeh hollow maybe not-so-firm spaces…..

Can’t it slip inside and potelea huuuuuuko ndani….. and how do you remove it if this happens? forceps?

Ok, let me stop here so as to allow the prayers session to start.

Enjoy your friday people, remember don’t drink and drive….. smoke and fly.

And ladies dont forget……

Pleasured totally…..

Do you ever wonder what makes some women great lovers? For many, bedroom satisfaction is a confidence issue that comes down to one question: “Am I doing it right?”

Personally, I think the real question is and should be, are you doing it right for your man?

It has been said that men’s needs are quite simple in most cases. Showing up naked with a chilled sixpack of his favourite beer brand may do wonders but there are no long term guarantees.

Actually all you need to do as a woman is to master the absolute basics and your male lover is going to be and stay delighted!

This is how (A copy & paste job)

• Most men find intense pleasure from a woman giving oral sex yaani “blow job,” or “going down”. Frequent fellatio without him having to ask is a total turn on and will keep him highly satisfied.
• Make sure he knows that you enjoy sex with him as much as he does with you. Be responsible for your own orgasm, learn about your body, know what turns you on and you’ll find you’ve got a man who is happy in bed with you.
• Tell him your desires. He can only find out what makes you feel good and what you love when you tell - or even better - show him!
• He likes to see you nude - males love the visual and quickly get turned on, so do not be shy! Leave the lights on next time…
• Your man’s penis is not the only part of his body that gives him pleasure. Find out other parts of his body he loves to have touched, licked and kissed. Start with his nipples or earlobes and go from there!
• Don’t stop experimenting. Stay inventive. If you hear of something new then don’t be afraid to try it in bed. You could just add something that extra bit magical to your lovemaking!
• Get him to show you how he masturbates (If he admits to the act). Take time to learn how to do it in a way he likes. The majority of men have a certain technique (likely honed over many years) which will take time for you to apply in the same way he does. Follow his lead and gradually take over.
• Men usually love sexy lingerie on their girl. Finding something tantalising and red hot and using on an occasional basis is a sure-fire way of pleasing your man. No lingerie? Try making love with clothing in a state of undress. Males like the sense of mystery of what’s behind your blouse or what’s up your skirt so tease him and drive him wild!
• Share your fantasies with him and let him share his with you. If you’re both comfortable with each others fantasy then why not act them out?
• A lot of men like to hear how turned on their woman is. Tell him candidly how you feel to raise his (and yours) levels of excitement through the roof!
• Men are generally at their most vulnerable in bed so be careful not to criticise him. Harsh words on his performance from you in bed may be remembered by him and could cause problems further down the road.
• Give him lots of small looks and affectionate smiles to keep him performing his best for a long, long time. Let him know he’s the best ever!

That’s the one reason you’re with him, right?

Ladies - Make your man scream your name non-stop tonight… or weekend… or the next time you are off BT!

Men - Think of ways to return the favour!