Contraceptives for Men?

The weekend went down well, the after effects are still being felt today…..

I was with Jimmy and though we were downing our favourite dwink (read Tusker) accompanied with some juicy goat ribs choma, I could see something was amiss. He wasn’t all macho as usual.

I enquired what was bothering him.

Without hesitating he says “It’s probably the male contraceptive pills that I have been taking that are causing all this!”

I almost choked!

He continues ‘’you see, these hormones seem like they are controlling my moods just like they do with our women folk!’’

Now this is getting Interesting. I ask him if he’s pulling my leg or what! I have never heard of Male ‘pills’!

He Says ”Xs, I thought you of all people should be knowing this! Yeah there is a pill that has been introduced to assist men shoot blanks as opposed to live ammunition’’

I LOL. No I didn’t Know!

He continues with his Narration “there is even an injection which I hear is more effective!”

So I ask him what motivated him to start taking these pills.

He takes a Swig at his beer and casually answers me. ‘’I started taking these pills after my Bulungo complained of coming in contact with more rubber than all the roads of Nairobi!”

I was ROTFLMAO! My ribs are still hurting!

He continues “I have decided to at least ‘naturalize’ the home games – without the risk of becoming a father…. And reduce the ‘away’ games to a ‘must do only’ with rubber of course” I nod as now I start seeing his Logic

I ask him though, “How does you optimize the away games to ‘must do’? What absolute criteria do you use to develop the ‘must dos’ from the merely ‘nice to do’? He laughs at my Question which he ignores & continues with his Narration

”Remember that party I was at on Friday? I saw this very nice chick, I couldn’t hold myself! Problem is, she was with her boyfriend and I still could not hold myself!’’

“What about the boyfriend? “ I ask

“What about him? You see I had taken my usual dose of Tusker & unaccountable number of Tequila so I approached her…..she was too attractive, so I just had to pour my heart out to her…. Ofcourse I only approached when the dude has gone for a bathroom break …..Xs, this is what I define as a ‘must do basis’’’!

He continues, “When the boyfriend came back, he found me entertaining his Gal, she was laughing like she’s hasn’t laughed in so many years! By this time I had even gotten a little bit cozy with her, my hands – which sometimes embarrass me – , were already on her waist and were stretching towards the hips!”

“The Boyfriend appeared and I quickly retracted my hands from their exploration! Then he disappeared again after awhile… I zeroed in on the lady again”

I say, “Jimmy these stunts will get you killed one day”

“Am still here aint I?” He answers and continues, the roast goat ribs now forgotten! “The lady at first seemed uncomfortable, but after a few drinks she seemed at ease. We spent about 2hrs chatting away and dancing not a care as to the whereabouts of the boyfriend! Ok I was worried if he had gone in search of a gun…”

And just like that, he changed the subject!

“Xs, Tell me, have you wondered why there are so many girls being born nowadays?”

I shake my head! “Nope”

“That’s because majority of men nowadays are a weak in bed, soft spoken, patient, use lip gloss, and ejaculate after 5 minutes or so….”

“So in other words you are saying all metro sexual men out there will beget girls? So how do you ensure you get a son..?” I ask

Before he could answer, his Gal friend enters and I was left hanging kwa mataa just like that! Knowing Jimmy, he will never finish this Story!

Something is wrong with this dude! For real

Found Graffenberg yet?

Am sure most of you are wondering WTF Graffenberg is?

Actually, it’s not a person but rather a spot. All women apparently have this spot; the generally accepted term is G-spot.

For anyone still wondering, this is an area 2-3 cm into the Vijay on the upper wall that feels like a wrinkly peach. Many men (actually majority) still believe it’s a myth because many a times their hunt for this spot ends up feeling like a hunt for a unicorn or some other mystical beast.

I overheard this interesting conversation where some guys were saying that the bigger the gadgets you have packed in your boxer, the higher chances of hitting this mythical spot.

WRONG! (I almost shouted…!)

SMH

The scientist that I am believes that the bigger you are, the less likely you are to hit it.

Actually all you might end achieving is hitting the opening of the cervix and hurting your lady…. (But you might be lucky to encounter the A-spot while you are there)!

Least am misquoted, this should NOT be taken to imply that if have finger sized maneno, you will hit the G-spot without breaking any sweat, no no no NO!

Curvature & position matter a lot. Doggy style has been known to have good results*. Jimmy also says lifting her hips in a certain angle can work too**

And to conclude this Dr. Phil session, my brothers, remember that female satisfaction is not always a factor of arousal but is due to the genetic predispositions…

And with that, I’ve gone back to my hiatus…..

 Happy hunting!

 *based on mere heresy, no statistical data is available!

**Any advice from Jimmy should be taken with a pitch of salt!

 Disclaimer: Xs, Jimmy or this blog are not liable for your continued failure to find the said spot or other ramifications that may arise due to your eeeeh handicap!

Ready, set but cant GO

He stumbles in reaching for his onstensibly heavy artillery ready to unload & fire, not so much concerned about aiming.

All he needed was a target…. He could actually visualize & feel the relief to follow shortly….

He is still humming ‘one man can’t satisfy her, she needs more wood for the fire, sex price getting higher.…… so from the prostitution she will never retire….’ the song by I-Wayne that he had just been trying a kwa chini kwa chini move on the dance floor….

He stops at the nick of the moment, something isn’t right! The settings are all wrong. Its smell different too!

He pauses to think. A great feat for him in his current state.

Brow creased, arsenal half way out, his slow intoxicated mind tells him there should be a guy named Sylvester standing by the sink over there (he points)holding a mop (soliciting for tips) and on the wall over there (continues to point), there should be 6 bowls in that corner (arranged 1, 2, 3 on each wall respectively)….

His train of thought is interrupted by two giggling ladies who entered the room. They were astonished to see him standing there, holding his gadgets in the middle of the small room.

Then it dawned onto him, this was not the little boys room… S**t!

He made his way out in a hurry hoping no one else will see or recognize him.

Too late, as he was leaving he heard one of the ladies ask, ‘isn’t that Nani’s boyfriend? ‘Yeah, it is! I think his name is Jimmy!’ answered the partner.

Shrilly laughter follows

Damn!