Spoof Theory

Posted: September 14, 2007 in Random

A buddy/colleague the day other pointed out a very interesting law. He calls it spoof law. If you don’t know what spoof is, please ask a friend.

The law: Any Man, Boy, Boy child needs to ejaculate, cum, spoof etc once in a while. It states, depending on age, testosterone levels, state & frame of mind, opportunity etc the act may vary from hourly, daily, weekly, bi weekly, to monthly BUT not exceeding two months. In other words a man has to ejaculate atleast once in two months yaani kalamu lazima imwage wino!

There are three ways of achieving this.

  1. Natural way – Strokes/shag/rubs with a partner (not necessarily an intimate one) 
  2. Masturbation – Hand to gland Combat!
  3. Wet dream – while fantasising the act of ngono!

So all you bloggers who claim to be on BT, Mnajitetea mkiwa upande upi?

Lets now focus on point number two. Yes. Hand to Gland combat!

I was chatting this blogger on gmail and this topic cropped up.
Apparently masturbation is one of the most feared topics among men. They steer clear of this one like plague.
The question is why? Statistics indicate that atleast 99% do it or atleast have been involved in the act once in their life, voluntariry or otherwise (medical reasons).
Yaani we can talk openly on radio about AIDS/HIV, STI, Condoms etc but not masturbaton, No Sir!! A big NO.

But dudes, why don’t we talk about it, share experiences etc. How do you know you are doing it right? Like for example:

Which is the most effective lubricant: Vaseline, Geisha, Lotion, saliva, Dry hand (Kavu)
Where: Bed, Bathroom, Office, Loo, in the Car, Anywhere
Duration: 5 secs, 1 min, 5 mins, 1 hour?
Strokage/friction levels: Low, medium, High (blister forming)
Alcohol levels: Sober, Tipsy, High, doesn’t matter!
Time: Before/after Breakfast, Lunch, before dinner, Bedtime, Anytime..?
Eyes: Closed, open, slits/dreamy, squinted.…
Motivator: Picture of her, Poster of Beyonce, Ngilu, Whitney, your favourite porn star..?
Aftermath: Guilt, Relieved, round two…?

So you dudes, THERE IS SO MUCH TO SHARE!!!

Now who will go first?

PS: Farmgal, The prayer session can start…..!

  1. Muthii Fulani says:

    muthii, kwanza wacha nikacheke kwanza…nido maresearch kiasi…pengine some hand to gland combat..alafu nikam nijaze ii questionea…LO! 😀

    Twangoja! Harakisha basi

  2. prou says:

    Just to say I was here, I have no comment seeing I lack the glands.

    Just asking, do you play with the ‘glands’ you have?

  3. Kirima says:

    After you Sir!

    eeeh hmmmm I’m just but a facilitator…..

  4. Eagerly awaiting on the sidelines!!!

    Enjoy the show

  5. Mocha! says:

    Told you I would be lurking in the background…….

    Shitting my self laughing when I reached here “….kalamu lazima imwage wino!”

    #2 – LMAO – ati hand to gland combat……hilarious!

    “So all you bloggers who claim to be on BT, Mnajitetea mkiwa upande upi?” I like this one and I hope it applies to the chics too…..LOL! 😉

    I for one know of a jamaa who talks about it openly….I guess he is in the rare category…innit? Ama to a chic doesnt count ama ni what?

    Stokeage – High (blister forming) – Dude.. you are nuts TIHIHIHIHIHI!!!

    Eyes – squinted ROFLMAO

    Motivator & Aftermath – aiiiiii boss, after I am done I need to change my knickers vile nimecheka! DANG!!!!

    Clearly…..my prayer session starts after I have changed my knickers.

    Off to rest…..will be back for observations next week.

    Happy Weekend wewe!!!

    Thiihihihihhi ati you have done what to your knickers? LMAO

  6. modoathii says:

    i came..indeed i did, ..LOL! dude man, kwani bibi hakupi enough? in high school, msidanganyane…bana kuna vile mli-acquaint hand to mshefa. danganyeni!

    So you did it in high school? details please!!!

    oe, BT has fire escape hapa kwa bar, where i sneek away to the GT….girl train…etc etc…

    So you are saying that peeps get off BT but dont declare? ma one stands right?

  7. pilato says:

    Eish ! na dunia ina mambo…at least now najua why my Geisha never lasts two days… Damn, those boys !

    Sema ukweli! Who do you share your Geisha with? Gland perhaps?

  8. 3N says:

    I know not what you speak of!


  9. threetypesofcrazy says:

    evidently you need another medical check up or they are not working you hard enough!!!!
    from susu on the rocks to this spoof theory…………………..whatever next!!!!!!!

    Next is Penile size & how insecure men are about it!

  10. Kenyan Gay says:

    You are right about the self imposed taboo on discussion of this topic.
    It got me in trouble here http://kenyangay.blogspot.com/2006/10/is-masturbation-cheating.html

    And as someone commented on my blog ‘Remember what Woody Allen said to Diane Keaton in the movie “Annie Hall”, “Don’t knock masturbation! It’s sex with someone I love!” Truer words were never spoken! Cheers!’

    I dont think wanking is cheating – hell its better than sleeping around!

  11. Masturbation for medical purpose?LOL!

    Mkuu, how do you think sperm banks are filled….? Test tube babies…?

  12. Muthii Fulani says:

    for fear of stigma i shall desist from answering the questions. i am sure there are peeps who are really keen to share the knowledge and wealth of experience present in the brethren who might participate in the excercise….:-D

    You have joined the bandwagon huh? wacheni uoga! LOOOOOL

  13. kip says:

    wewe you got jokes bwana lol

  14. kipusa says:

    RFLMAO………..but thats well said and very true

  15. Archer says:

    Hand to gland combat, choking the chicken, strangling the python, flying solo, Palmela Handerson and her 5 sisters….majina yako mengi!

    But however much this is a topic that most jamaas don’t talk about in the open, it’s true that 99% of men masturbate (the other 1% being liars) and it’s a perfectly normal and healthy thing. After all, it is sex with the one that you truly love…yourself!! It only becomes a problem once one turns into a chronic wanker.

    About preferences, depends on the individual. Lakni afadhali uwe na plan, sio kama msee flani wa high school who used to parara 24 7 but always smelt of Palmers Cocoa Butter!!

    LMAO!! Ati Palmers cocoa Butter? Huyo msee sio Modo, right? LOL Alafu daddi those names, thats murder!!!!!

  16. Wanja Kihii says:

    I hear(from reliable source)Baby oil works wonders…
    LMAO @ Archer’s “sio kama msee flani wa high school who used to parara 24 7 but always smelt of Palmers Cocoa Butter!!”

    Baby Oil eeeeiiissshhhh?!! Am sure many guys will secretly thank you after they experiment! LOOOOOL

  17. Bomseh says:

    Why do I think I should blog my comments at home?

  18. […] Now that Xs our resident SEXpert talked about the Spoof Theory, I know it might have appeared suspicious that I took this long to comment despite the fact that […]

  19. Tweety says:


    halafu ati “…..once in their life, voluntariry or otherwise….”

  20. sisbigbones says:

    LOL…where was I when you posted this? I don’t know why guys will readily talk to their boyz about their sexual conquests and yet cannot bring themselves to even admit they masturbate. My boyfriend talks to me freely about his masturbating habits, but even he admits that that’s one topic he can never talk about with his friends (this coming from a guy who trades pornos with his best friend). So, what gives?

  21. […] there’s the 2 month theory. I think 3 months is a short time, and guys can go for years, but do we want to tempt fate […]

  22. All guys that have posted a comment here have avoided saying something about it. Does that mean that they are among the 1%? DOn’t think so. But I will be honest myself.

    Which is the most effective lubricant: Hand-wash, geisha.. this is easy, you can guess.
    Where: I prefer the bathroom
    Duration: About a minute, but kama nimetoka kuona porno and I’m rock hard, I like it to kawia, like 2-3 minutes
    Strokage/friction levels: Kwani the lube is for what?
    Alcohol levels: I don’t drink
    Time: Whenever Lil Jon and the downside bolz ask for a treat. I’m generous like that
    Eyes: Not sure about this, but I don’t think I squint
    Motivator: With all the sexy chics around these days, you just need a [not so] powerful imagination
    Aftermath: Instant Relief, else round two!!

  23. By the way, isn’t it time ladies said something of themselves??? They also have troublesome glands somewhere down there…

  24. This is quite a hot info. I’ll share it on Digg.

  25. Pirsey says:

    Not that I’m totally impressed, but this is more than I expected for when I stumpled upon a link on Furl telling that the info here is quite decent. Thanks.

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