Deflowered….. soon…. hopefully

Posted: November 26, 2008 in Random, sex ed

Clande took me in…. but that didn’t work out either. I was too depressed, am still depressed. Wifey has lengaad all my calls, she has refused to see me, and all my emissaries come back with the same message – go drown in River Sagana! I dont even know where that is! Eish

Now clande throws me out too! Ati she wont have a grown up man mopping & crying around her house 24/7 – for another woman at that! Ni sawa tu!

I went to seek refuge to one person I knew always has my back, Jimmy. He is a good guy, really kind hearted. He says I can stay as long as I need. Thanks Bro – I intend to!

Now Jimmy Younger brother (JB) has just cleared 4th form and we have been hanging out (in the house) watching movies, playing cards, scrabble and whatnots….. He tried to interest me in video games sijui PS2 etc but lo, old dogs don’t learn new tricks.

The other day he confessed that he’s still a virgin and he wanted me to give him some pointers on how to be deflowered. Am always generous with (free) advise and I complied. This is what I told him

  • Abstain – wait until you get that right girl yada yada yada blah blah blah fishcake
  • If you indeed disregard that first tip, then identify the lucky lady. An older woman will do. By older I mean anyone between 20 & 35, the older the easier. Most men (90%) loose their virginity to an older woman. Make sure she’s not somebody wife, if she is, ensure that the Husband doesn’t find out. By the way, a mboch will do…! Just ensure she’s well groomed. You don’t want to provide an abode for miguu sita aka chawa huko nethers!
  • Don’t let her know it’s your first time – surprise her! And surprised she might/will be.
  • Carry & don’t forget to wear ‘socks’…… don’t believe that tale of ‘how do you eat a candy with the wrapper on…’ AIDS is real!
  • Borrow your brother his playboy magazines…. Ok steal them! You might want to know (first hand) what you will be getting yourself (literally) into. The biology books might have misinterpreted or mis-presented some facts a little. And don’t be shocked if you find a bush down there….. don’t compliment.
  • Dont forget that this is a marathon and not 100M sprint. Breaking Usain bolt world record will not get you any brownie points. Take your time, get her into the moods. Do some research on how to….. ok i’ll give you some handouts…eish!
  • Premature ejaculation is not a myth……..IT WILL HAPPEN!! If you think it will help ask, ask Palmela & her 5 friends to help you relieve the pressure. And again don’t worry, you are young, you will rise to the occasion almost immediately
  • If its good & she’s willing, there is no harm in hitting it several more times, then move on. Don’t get attached.
  • Remember my first tip!

 Happy hurting JB.

And now am sure my readers have a tip or two to add. Read on

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Comments
  1. Miss Cheri says:

    FIRSTIES!!!
    For the first time here. Now off to read.

  2. Miss Cheri says:

    Lol, Breaking Usain Bolt’s record…LMAO. At least Usain Bolt run more than 5 Seconds.

    Yep, tell’em. AIDS is real!

  3. Val says:

    Err…the previous post and the first bit of this point have made me wonder….huh?? It is fiction..yes?

    Reminds me of this program/ documentaries they make here about teens (17 +yrs) who are virgins..the the road to de-floweration….

    I’m with the first point…wait!

  4. bomseh says:

    Advice from XS? I pity young JB. Lakini some are sawa.

    Can’t think of anything to add.

  5. KK says:

    Poor guy… you may as well have told him to disregard the first tip.
    LOL @ Biology books probably misinterprating or misrepresenting.

  6. nzembi says:

    Sound advice, JB better pull a Kip and scribble these points down!

  7. Carol says:

    LOL!
    Wewe utachomwa straight,haki ya Mungu!

  8. sisbigbones says:

    LOL….poor, poor bro. Lakini, I gotta wonder. A man that’s a virgin after high school? Hard to imagine in this sex-obsessed times. Good for him. And that advice! Yes, I agree with all of it. You forgot to tell him that what he’s seen in porno rarely represents reality.

    Lakini, it’ll be hard for him not to beat that record for 100m dash, no?

  9. super says:

    ALL THAT SHE WANTS…………………….is another baby.

  10. mweusi says:

    I am Taking Notes…

  11. Kafai says:

    Aiii Kip, kwani you are doing research for a Phd?
    The boy has decided to get deflowered, he will. Telling him to abstain is like (a simile I forget).

  12. ---Supreme-G.R.E.A.M--- says:

    i wish i was a virgin. all the best to him. Dont catch feelings

  13. 3N says:

    chances are the goods will be unleashed and JB will forget all the tips, then after pulling a Usain (Xs, 2008), he will apply the tips on seconds, thirds, fourths, fifths, sixth, 7th, 8th, 9th.

    si he is a young man..

  14. savvy08 says:

    He shall learn and experiment on his own….

    Is wifey not speaking to you for real?

  15. 31337 says:

    ill advised advise. hmmmmm

    are several usain bolts advisable? the total should come to a complete sum, yea?

  16. neema says:

    lol, i have no tip…am just LMFAO.

  17. Unyc says:

    That Abstain part did NOT come from you. Someone must have slid itbin when u were getting some Tusker in the fridge.

  18. Rafiki says:

    I support the abstain part (first and last tip). The longer you can wait, the better the deflowering. But Form IV should be okay.

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