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Posted: April 2, 2009 in Uncategorized

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Disclaimer: No promises!
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Comments
  1. archer says:

    After how long?

  2. 3N says:

    awaiting the updates…if the disclaimer holds untrue

  3. 3TOC says:

    Are you supplying air?

  4. Carol says:

    Ngoja ngoja huumiza matumbo!-Whatever this msemo was supposed to mean!

  5. EK13 says:

    Well…I am here a week or so later and still waiting!

  6. 3TOC says:

    Kwani sometime is how long? You have been tagged somewhere on my blog. Quit this sometiming!

  7. super says:

    The Perfect Day – Hers

    6.45; Awaken gently to sound of bird song and glorious sunshine filtering through the bedroom window.

    7.15; Check bathroom scales, lost 5 pounds overnight!

    7.20; Light breakfast, including freshly squeezed juice from hand picked Seville Oranges, all served by personal celebrity chef of choice. ( Gary Rhodes, Gordon Ramsay ect).

    8.00; Sunbath and dip in personal pool, adonis style masseus/life gaurd on hand to apply sun lotion whilst reading favourite book.

    11.00; Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe.

    12.30; Shopping, Harvey Nic’s, Harrods, Prada, Gucci, Jimmy Choo’s ect. Inadvertently run into boyfriends/husbands ex, who is having a bad hair day and has gained 30lbs in weight.

    3.00; Facial, massage, manicure, pedicure and nap.

    7;30; Theatre, Candle lit dinner for two, followed by dancing.

    11.00; Make love.

    12.00 Pillow talk into the small hours as you are gently cradled to sleep in his big strong arms.

    XXX

  8. super says:

    The Perfect Day- His

    6.45 Alarm! – Awaken to find blonde bi-sexual twin porn stars, both exhausted from previous nights exertions sharing bed!

    7.00 Shower, Shit, Shave!

    7.15 Blowjob! From both of aforementioned twins!

    8.00 Greasy spoon breakfast, at local favourite cafe, double sausage, egg, fried slice, mushrooms, beans, black pudding, bubble-n-squeak, two toast, side order of chips and mug of tea! All served up by buxom waitress,

    Peruse sports section of daily papers (Sun, Daily Sport, Star ect..).

    Bowjob from waitress.

    8.45 Private Jet, to Royal St Georges Golf Coarse- Sex with nymphomaniac air hostess, and become member of Mile High Club.

    9.30 Set new coarse record for first nine holes, partnered by best friend, and incidentily playing against Tiger Woods and Sergio Garcia. Topless buxom female caddies provided.

    11.00 Lunch, 2 dozen Oysters, 3 Heineken.

    12.00 Blowjob from aforemention Topless Caddy.

    12.30; Back nine holes, setting new coarse record, after which both Tiger and Garcia beg you to help with their game.

    Blow jobs from aforementioned caddies!

    2.30 Private Jet to Mediterian for fishing trip, Luxury Fairline cabin cruiser with all female topless crew. Set new world record for Swordfish, have wild sex with crew! 6 Continental lagers, 18oz Prime Angus beef T-bone, chips, beans, onion rings and ketchup!

    4;30 Private jet to London, with all female nymphomaniac cabin crew, cement membership of Mile High Club!

    5.30 Shower, Shit, Shave!

    6.00 Blowjob!

    7.00 Stretch Rolls Limo to Wembley, Watch England with group of best friends stuff Germany 9-Nil from private box with all female waiting staff dress in PVC and French Maids Outfits,

    Half time newsflash, Gordon Brown and other goverment officials arrested over sex and drug scandal, graphic pictures displayed over score board involving several large farm animals and copious amount of cocaine. Goverment resigns!

    Celebrate with blowjob from waitress!

    9.00 Enter and win poker tourney at Vic Casino, beat Phil Ivy, Todd Brunson and Dave (Devilfish) Ulliot amongst other’s on final table! 1 Million cash prize and all expensence paid Trip to Vegas for WSOP final.

    Celebrate with blowjob from stunning female dealer!

    11.30 Unbelievably sweat inducing hot curry, rice, garlic nan breads and pompadoms! 6 Bottles of Tiger Beer, 2 bottles of Pinot Grigio and blowjob from sultry Indian waitress!

    12.30 Clubbing! With friends in exclusive night club. Many beers, several Jack Daniels, Vintage Champagne and pull stunning hot starlet/ famous actress/singer (and female friend). Photographed by Paparazzi whilst shagging them both in the toilets!

    02.00 Kebab!

    Return home to waiting porn stars, fart, dump, belch. blowjob and bed!

  9. super says:

    Preface: YES, there are other groups that list all the mistakes men make, and YES, we are aware that they exist, but they are not important in … focus around here is only around the funny ass mistakes that women make. And if you have a problem with that, don’t bother reading any further, go back to where you came from, and spare us all the aggravation! Anyway, onto the list…

    1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can’t just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.

    2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner’s mouth while you get off is hot. It depends on the situation.

    3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don’t, it’s your own fault when he’s snoozing and you’re all wound up.

    4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It’s a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it’s not his fault.

    5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after a while. A little snuggling isn’t unreasonable, but when it’s time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

    6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that’s nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you’re not willing to do that, don’t expect him to switch for you.

    7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down your throats, sex is NOT just about women. Get over it.

    8. Using Cosmo as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I’m pretty sure they need counseling.

    9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he’s pushing, skippy? Because you aren’t doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he’s given you. Pay attention to the signals that he’s sending you.

    10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

    11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He’s about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.

    12. Not shaving your legs. If you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

    13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the Amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don’t want to go bare. That’s fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can’t shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.

    14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha. That’s as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

    15. Withholding oral sex just because you’re ragging. He didn’t do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he’s hormonal, I suggest you get some knee pads.

    16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you’re having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like “I stubbed my toe” “I ran up the steps” or “I was putting up drywall”.

    17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you’re sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it’s just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn’t be having sex anyway. Go back to Junior High.

    18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn’t be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to cum, it’s his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.

    19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.

    20. Dissing quickies because it’s not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. There’s an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.

    21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn’t acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say NO like it’s an invitation, don’t look surprised when he “accidentally” sticks his cock in your butt.

    22. Expecting him to undress you. Women put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn’t always easy. Help a brother out.

    23. Undressing in the dark. If you’re shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

    24. Refusing to get on top. There’s no reason men should have to do all the work.

    25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn’t suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

    26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you’re riding him. It’s your body, you’re used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

    27. Being too afraid to guide your partner’s hand when he’s touching you. Don’t like the way he’s doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.

    28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn’t. It’s your choice to stop, but don’t look all fucking surprised when he’s confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

    29. Refusing to let him take control. So you are a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn’t make you any less of one.

    30. Refusing to take control. It’s ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It’s not his responsibility to start things all the time.

    31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.

    32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don’t ignore them.

    33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn’t want to deal with the mess.

    34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

    35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I’d hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

    36. Refusing to try things in the name of “making love”. You’re not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.

    37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it’s hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It’s how you deal with it that really matters.

    38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a threesome. It’s the American dream. (Quick interjection – one request for a threesome is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).

    39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god-awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

    40. Nails. It’s one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It’s another when you snag the goods with a claw.

    41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You’re having sex. That will happen. That’s the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can’t jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

    42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he’s the best you’ve had, even if he isn’t.

    43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don’t. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he’s doing everything right. And if he doesn’t know it’s not working, he’s not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

    44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven’t showered that day, and things smell a little… fishy… perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

    45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved beforehand. I don’t care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

    46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have these rare Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They’ll wash.

    47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all it’s cracked up to be.

    48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.

    49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he’s probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like “it happens to every guy”. Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn’t, get off another way with him. He’s still capable of getting you off. Mumbling “forget it” and rolling over are not ok.

    50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of “was it good for you?”. Now is not a good time to ask “What this means”. Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.

  10. pinkmemoirs says:

    Ok, this last one is a classic! Now on number 48 kind sir, I have a question. They always teach at bridal showers that one should have a thermos of hot water, towel blah blah, to clean him up after the act. Do they assume women don’t pass out too after sex? Just asking.

  11. ---Supreme-G.R.E.A.M--- says:

    Why was all these ‘hidden’ under comments instead of it being a complete post? Am sure there would be a ruckus over it. Nice reading though.

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