Archive for the ‘Jimmy’ Category

Jimmy Tales

Posted: June 9, 2011 in Jimmy, Random

By now my readers, you know Jimmy has a screw (or 50) loose in his resemblance of kiongoz.

As usual we are at our locals and our throats are having an orgasmic experience as can best be administered by a cold tusker….. *nostalgic*

Jimmy Blunts “you know people assume that guys with big tongues give the best ‘heads'”

Immediately I knew a juicy story will follow soon – I excuse myself to get  a refill (hapa ni self service, nunua kwa counter, kunywa wherever, popote unapotaka)

When I get back I ask “So who or should I say which lady made this assumption?”

He laughs and continues. “Actually its not a lady, Its Marto – our mutual buddy”

Am lost.

He narrates. Apparently Marto had flown out of the country and had requested Jimmy to drop him at the Airport using his car (Martos). After this task and since it was a Friday, Jimmy decided to pass by Nairobi West to help Uhuru finance his over inflated Budget through EABL.

After one too many, Jimmy decides to head home. With help of ‘askaris’ he locates Marto’s Car.

Now Jimmy is a good driver, during the day & while sober. Marto assumption was he can still drive while inebriated. This is what he (Jimmy) was referring to with his ‘big tongue analogy’.

Am disappointed.

So what did he do?

He gets in into the car and before he blackouts, he calls and engages services of a ‘break-down’ who tow him home.

He arrived safely.

Jimmy New Year Resolution

Posted: January 3, 2011 in Jimmy, wierd

Happy New Year folks. Hope you all the best

Its been awhile – was passing by and decided to dust up this place, remove cobwebs and maybe share a few of Jimmy escapades……

You know Jimmy, right? If you don’t I suggest you take a tour here… maybe there…. to acquit yourself with this crazy dude.

Sometime last year, Jimmy and I were sharing our favourite frothy drink from Ruaraka at the right temperature…. and at recommended retail price…. yes, we gotta save a shilling whenever possible.

Characteristic of Jimmy, out of the blue he declares to me his New Year resolution is to get married, ASAP. I laugh, thinking it’s one of his jokes but the look on his face suggested otherwise.

So i prod, and ask why he wants to get married.

He takes a long swallow, finishes his beer and asks me to get him another, I obliged haraka upesi.

When i come back, he seemed ready to talk.

He starts “I was taking a shower the other day, abit hangovered, when I noticed a small tiny blackish ‘lump’ on my wiener”  He pauses “Its a very scary thing Xs, i let out a shrilly scream that could only be rivaled my Mariah Carey, so many thoughts crossed my head as fast as it could process them. I was very sure my sleeping around had finally caught up with me and i was going to lose my dong! I stood there for a full 5 minutes, holding my member, wondering which hospital I’ll visit where I won’t encounter anyone i know amongst the staff”

I felt i needed to say something but before i could, he continues

“anyhoo, soon I calmed down and started examining the ‘lump’ more closely and this when I realized I needed to get married”

I tell him am lost.

He laughs and continues “you see what I actually thought was a lump was actually a tick yaani kupe which has made the head of my driller its temporary abode.”

Am now huko kwa floor laughing my ass off

So this his reason No 1 to get married, Since he figures If he was married or atleast has a steady girl, she would have noticed this sucker was perched up there. How did it get there? He had visited Shags that week and he reckons that’s where he picked it.

Reason no 2.

He has been drinking in some dingy pub huko Ngara, after he had gotten ‘tank full’ warning, he start walking to the bus stop (he’s daring like that). Now Ngara is an interesting place to walk at night, the place is crawling with langas and because he hadn’t had some ‘loving’ for awhile, he approached one. They haggle, negotiate on the price and finally agree on 30 bob.

*my ribs are still aching*

She takes him to a nearby ‘hostel’ where the business is to be conducted & concluded. Jimmy wears a raincoat and start riding the storm. He claims he rode it for a full 11 minutes and he actually enjoyed it. Drained he pulls out his sledge hammer (his words not mine) and as he was about to remove the sheath aka Kondiero he almost fainted.

Atop the plastic were specks of Skums and other veggies……. He screamed at her and asking WTF that stuff was. Nonchalantly she asked him, “what did you expect for 30 bob, huh? Nyama Choma or KenChick kuku?”

Apparently the Langa had led him to the dirt road…..   He had sobered up so went back to drink willing himself to black out & block the memories of that night forever.

I agree with him – he needs to get married.

To be continued……

 

Contraceptives for Men?

Posted: June 2, 2009 in Fiction, Jimmy, wikendi

The weekend went down well, the after effects are still being felt today…..

I was with Jimmy and though we were downing our favourite dwink (read Tusker) accompanied with some juicy goat ribs choma, I could see something was amiss. He wasn’t all macho as usual.

I enquired what was bothering him.

Without hesitating he says “It’s probably the male contraceptive pills that I have been taking that are causing all this!”

I almost choked!

He continues ‘’you see, these hormones seem like they are controlling my moods just like they do with our women folk!’’

Now this is getting Interesting. I ask him if he’s pulling my leg or what! I have never heard of Male ‘pills’!

He Says ”Xs, I thought you of all people should be knowing this! Yeah there is a pill that has been introduced to assist men shoot blanks as opposed to live ammunition’’

I LOL. No I didn’t Know!

He continues with his Narration “there is even an injection which I hear is more effective!”

So I ask him what motivated him to start taking these pills.

He takes a Swig at his beer and casually answers me. ‘’I started taking these pills after my Bulungo complained of coming in contact with more rubber than all the roads of Nairobi!”

I was ROTFLMAO! My ribs are still hurting!

He continues “I have decided to at least ‘naturalize’ the home games – without the risk of becoming a father…. And reduce the ‘away’ games to a ‘must do only’ with rubber of course” I nod as now I start seeing his Logic

I ask him though, “How does you optimize the away games to ‘must do’? What absolute criteria do you use to develop the ‘must dos’ from the merely ‘nice to do’? He laughs at my Question which he ignores & continues with his Narration

”Remember that party I was at on Friday? I saw this very nice chick, I couldn’t hold myself! Problem is, she was with her boyfriend and I still could not hold myself!’’

“What about the boyfriend? “ I ask

“What about him? You see I had taken my usual dose of Tusker & unaccountable number of Tequila so I approached her…..she was too attractive, so I just had to pour my heart out to her…. Ofcourse I only approached when the dude has gone for a bathroom break …..Xs, this is what I define as a ‘must do basis’’’!

He continues, “When the boyfriend came back, he found me entertaining his Gal, she was laughing like she’s hasn’t laughed in so many years! By this time I had even gotten a little bit cozy with her, my hands – which sometimes embarrass me – , were already on her waist and were stretching towards the hips!”

“The Boyfriend appeared and I quickly retracted my hands from their exploration! Then he disappeared again after awhile… I zeroed in on the lady again”

I say, “Jimmy these stunts will get you killed one day”

“Am still here aint I?” He answers and continues, the roast goat ribs now forgotten! “The lady at first seemed uncomfortable, but after a few drinks she seemed at ease. We spent about 2hrs chatting away and dancing not a care as to the whereabouts of the boyfriend! Ok I was worried if he had gone in search of a gun…”

And just like that, he changed the subject!

“Xs, Tell me, have you wondered why there are so many girls being born nowadays?”

I shake my head! “Nope”

“That’s because majority of men nowadays are a weak in bed, soft spoken, patient, use lip gloss, and ejaculate after 5 minutes or so….”

“So in other words you are saying all metro sexual men out there will beget girls? So how do you ensure you get a son..?” I ask

Before he could answer, his Gal friend enters and I was left hanging kwa mataa just like that! Knowing Jimmy, he will never finish this Story!

Something is wrong with this dude! For real

Ready, set but cant GO

Posted: May 11, 2009 in Fiction, Jimmy

He stumbles in reaching for his onstensibly heavy artillery ready to unload & fire, not so much concerned about aiming.

All he needed was a target…. He could actually visualize & feel the relief to follow shortly….

He is still humming ‘one man can’t satisfy her, she needs more wood for the fire, sex price getting higher.…… so from the prostitution she will never retire….’ the song by I-Wayne that he had just been trying a kwa chini kwa chini move on the dance floor….

He stops at the nick of the moment, something isn’t right! The settings are all wrong. Its smell different too!

He pauses to think. A great feat for him in his current state.

Brow creased, arsenal half way out, his slow intoxicated mind tells him there should be a guy named Sylvester standing by the sink over there (he points)holding a mop (soliciting for tips) and on the wall over there (continues to point), there should be 6 bowls in that corner (arranged 1, 2, 3 on each wall respectively)….

His train of thought is interrupted by two giggling ladies who entered the room. They were astonished to see him standing there, holding his gadgets in the middle of the small room.

Then it dawned onto him, this was not the little boys room… S**t!

He made his way out in a hurry hoping no one else will see or recognize him.

Too late, as he was leaving he heard one of the ladies ask, ‘isn’t that Nani’s boyfriend? ‘Yeah, it is! I think his name is Jimmy!’ answered the partner.

Shrilly laughter follows

Damn!

I had a chance to link up with Jimmy while i was home.

His narration continues….

For those who missed episode 1 & 2, check them out here and here

After his woes in nursery school, Jimmy did finally graduate to class 1. This was by a fluke because those were days when the length of one’s arm (and size of your head) and not brains determined if you proceeded to the next grade or stayed in nursery. Jimmy was a very small boy and thus he couldn’t touch/reach his left ear with his small right arm overstretched on top of his head. However, the teacher (seemingly) was determined to graduate him for some reason. Jimmy to date swears its because the teacher saw some potential in him…. I think the teacher had enough of this young naughty lazy boy…..

Jimmy hated waking up in the morning and thus class 1 was torture! He used all sort of pretense to snooze for awhile every morning in class. Amazingly this little bugger got away with it! End of Term 1 and it was no shock that Jimmy was No. 31 out 32. The other boy didn’t sit the ‘exam’.

Check in class 2 – he had started to enjoy school and third term he did become No. 1 – for the first & last time in his school life!

He got a plastic plate as a present…

Same year he got in his first fight against a girl – his ass was whooped! Much to his amazement, his puffed up jacket didn’t sheild him from the blows. He took it like a boy and didn’t run…..

They would again collide in class 4….. a vomit attack would save him another whooping! He cant remember the cause for the fights but he clearly remembers the girl squiggled face written murder – she wasn’t pretty!

To be continued…

Episode 2

Posted: February 16, 2008 in Jimmy

Jimmy didnt drop out nursery school….. (he went on to accomplish many academic goals he had set for himself – His Grand Ma cant believe it mpaka wa leo!).

But he sure was miserable!

This kid was among the smallest boys in his class. And as if that wasn’t enough he had a girlish (sweet) babyface. In other words, he was a sitting stuffed duck, juicy and roasty, for bullies.

One such bully was always on his case but one day he got what he deserved.

Jimmy had a temper which was so so bad that it made him cry – it was the only thing he could do – CRY! Whenever he was crossed he would seethe with anger and tears will just start flowing!

One day, however, the bully started his usual ‘uchokozi’! But boy did he choose the wrong day! Jimmy had a new razor blade and as soon as the first tear hit the floor, something inside snapped and he went Jackie chan on the bullies legs with the razor! The wails from the other boy attracted the teacher who unglued Jimmy from the bullies legs. The cuts were not deep but they bled (and were sure painful) as hell.

From that day, Jimmy found himself a weapon (which he always displayed for everyone to see) and acquired himself a  new nickname – Jimmy wembe!

It wasn’t to be his last fight……

To be continued!