Archive for the ‘Random’ Category

Jimmy Tales

Posted: June 9, 2011 in Jimmy, Random

By now my readers, you know Jimmy has a screw (or 50) loose in his resemblance of kiongoz.

As usual we are at our locals and our throats are having an orgasmic experience as can best be administered by a cold tusker….. *nostalgic*

Jimmy Blunts “you know people assume that guys with big tongues give the best ‘heads'”

Immediately I knew a juicy story will follow soon – I excuse myself to get  a refill (hapa ni self service, nunua kwa counter, kunywa wherever, popote unapotaka)

When I get back I ask “So who or should I say which lady made this assumption?”

He laughs and continues. “Actually its not a lady, Its Marto – our mutual buddy”

Am lost.

He narrates. Apparently Marto had flown out of the country and had requested Jimmy to drop him at the Airport using his car (Martos). After this task and since it was a Friday, Jimmy decided to pass by Nairobi West to help Uhuru finance his over inflated Budget through EABL.

After one too many, Jimmy decides to head home. With help of ‘askaris’ he locates Marto’s Car.

Now Jimmy is a good driver, during the day & while sober. Marto assumption was he can still drive while inebriated. This is what he (Jimmy) was referring to with his ‘big tongue analogy’.

Am disappointed.

So what did he do?

He gets in into the car and before he blackouts, he calls and engages services of a ‘break-down’ who tow him home.

He arrived safely.

Business idea

Posted: February 3, 2011 in Random, ulevi

I saw this business proposal which actually made a lot of sense especially in these mututho days.

Since I cannot stop drinking it’s a good idea to start a bar at home. I’ll will give my wife Kshs 2,160/- to kick start the business. This will get her one crate of Tusker (@90 x 24) which she can sell to me at 160 making a profit Kshs 1680 which she should put in the bank while re-investing the original capital.

Now am known to consumer roughly 2 crates/week hence she will have Kshs 3360/- weekly (or approx Kshs 13,440 monthly or Kshs 161, 280/- yearly) in profits.

If I live for 10 years (and my liver probably bails out on me) she will have Kshs 1,612,800/-  plus interest which is enough to give me a decent burial and bring up the kids (if any) and may be clear the mortgage and use the remainder as her contribution on her wedding to a decent man.

Now how to convince her…. Hmmmm   

Bi sexual or Just Bi-curious?

Posted: January 8, 2010 in Random, research, sex ed

While driving to work today, I heard a woman on radio assert that all women are bisexual…. Or at least bi-curious. Apparently this caller has the hots for Kalekye Mumo of Kiss 100. I was tickled and as you know, the curiosity in me was piqued. So it was time to do a little research. Now all I need is to find any woman courageous enough to answer a few Questions…..

Funnily, Sexual orientation isn’t often cut & dry. People find themselves attracted to different people throughout their lives. So what’s the difference between bi-sexual and bi-curious?

The bi-curious women are playful and ready to experiment the taste of female flesh just for fun and can range from kissing and touching to intimate sexual contact, and everything in between. There is no actual definition of where bi-curious behavior begins and ends.

Bisexual women have sexual and emotional attraction to both genders. These women may or may not be willing to ask you (a man) to join in on their girl-on-girl escapades.

This is FYI to all women (just incase you didn’t know), the concept of two women making love with their soft, sweaty bodies pressed against each other has been proven by numerous surveys to be the most popular male fantasy. Show me a man who refutes this and I’ll show you a liar. And please ladies, don’t mistake this fantasy or use it to define and/or judge our own sexuality….. A man once in awhile needs to experiment (in the confines of his head)…. Though we might be open to suggestions/ideas.

So do all women have bisexual tendencies?

In the 1940s, Alfred Kinsey turned the whole argument on its head with his famous scale of sexual orientation. He found that most people didn’t fall into either strictly defining category of straight or gay — meaning that most of us are a bit bi. There is now a more modern and in-depth scale called the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid (KSOG).

So how do you tell if a gal is bisexual… or curious? Below are few pointers, not exhaustive I might add.

  • She openly appreciates women

This is the gal who arguably loves fine things and isn’t threatened by beauty of another. She loves pretty things (read pretty women) and appreciates their sex appeal. Her mind is open to observing such things… and maybe, just maybe, it’s also open to more.

  • Past experiences

She has at some point been involved in the woman-smooching scene and a tongue found itself wandering. This gal will always refer to that moment whether she liked it or not, and may be open to a repeat performance.

  • She’s into girl-on-girl porn

Enough said.

  • She’s overly affectionate with certain friends

Hmmmmmmmm ‘Overly’ here might be an understatement. It’s my gal this, my gal that!

As I said my list is not exhaustive….. Please feel free to share more pointers in the comments session and let’s help a sister out. Also you can use that KSOG scale just to be sure.

Moving on, further research show that women of age group between 20 and 35 are far more inclined to be with another woman for the sheer pleasure and experience of it. They are more sexually aware of themselves and of others around them, invoking curiosity and a genuine desire to experiment with sensations and their sexuality.

Women aged 35 and above may have become disillusioned with men due to a distasteful experience, and are now seeking the emotional connection that has been absent from their relationships with men. Though there is a greater tendency for this group of women to jump the fence and become full-on lesbians, they will most likely show an interest in men again once their emotional needs have been filled. Many women will temporarily swap sides to engage in a fully lesbian relationship, and they may seesaw from women to men throughout their lives

Teenagers on the other hand, are young (between the ages of 14 and 19), impressionable and keen to impress. Internet porn, the Madonna and Britney kiss, Sex and the City, and American Pie have all directly contributed to the new norm of girls kissing girls.

Now I still have more questions and I wonder if this blogger would care to answer a few……

Source: Internet

Dont let the fire die

Posted: October 28, 2009 in Random, sex

If you’ve been in a relationship for some time, you’ll know that it’s difficult to keep conflicts or personal issues from affecting your sex life.

A good relationship is important for good sex.

It almost goes without saying that this is true, but so often this is forgotten. When emotional issues involving anger or a need to control are encountered, the journey to sexual fulfilment is interrupted until these conflicts are resolved. If you’re wondering why your once sizzling sex life has fizzled out, it’s probably not the technique that’s to blame.

Qualities that contribute to a successful sex life are the same ones that contribute to a successful interpersonal relationship; love, commitment and communication.

LOVE: You need to love the person in spite of their faults and they must love you in spite of yours.

COMMITMENT: Complete commitment brings security to each partner. It can be an important result of and expression of unconditional love. Commitment helps to breed satisfaction.

COMMUNICATION: Even if partners have mutual love and commitment, they need to communicate this by what they say and do. Couples need to talk about their hopes, dreams, fears and hurts (and the daily details) for the relationship to flourish.

So, how can you have a dynamic sex life? By developing the same qualities that contribute to a strong relationship, which combined, help produce a maximum oneness and bring the greatest pleasure.

Source: healthinsiteonline.net

I have a Tractor….

Posted: January 5, 2009 in Random

However it’s not very active, the farming season is not at its peak hour and the tractor is aware that the landmine infested areas are on the increase. This makes it worse for the rotor which always has to be told to chill by the tractor control system, especially when the rotor sees some very fit farmland because as you know you cant tell a land mine infested area by looking, it always appears like very green arable land!

Real farming has become a headache, so much to worry about, is not nice anymore, the plough blades have to be fitted with anti landmine plastics each time and what is meant to give some meaning to the tractors lifetime is a threat to its very own existence because when corrosion sets in, the tractor may waste away AND there’s no cure for corrosion!

The mechanics need find some chemicals ASAP that would cure the tractor incase a landmine blows and gave it the corrosion. This is why this tractor (& other tractors) would rather take in all sorts of fuels and get merry and forget about ploughing & drilling!

You can however visit the nearest VCT ahem sorry, Agriculture office nearest to you and find out the status of the said farmland and equipped with such good data, then for once the tractor can plough without raincoats in stormy weather!

However this has its own risks, you may find yourself harvesting unwanted crop 9 months later!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

93rd…. I think

Posted: December 23, 2008 in Random

If its not then it must be 92nd?

WTF (is your question, right?)

Well i like mystery and being mysterious, so lets leave it at that!

I quit drinking (temporarily)….. I came to learn its not a sustainable plan especially around holidays….. At the moment am sober though…. but not for long.

JB scored (yaaaaay). He made a mess of himslef in the process. Loosing one virginity aint an easy thing.

He didn’t wanna talk about it but after I bought him a few Guiness (kubwa) he became a parrot. It was his first time too (alcoholwise). Am i spoiling this kid? Oh well.

JB disregarded all my advise (Read previous post), he landed a miss Mboch, way too old and engaged. He also broke Usain bolt world record. He wasn’t IN yet! (I slapped his head for this). He didnt skip a beat though, just wiped the ‘Garden’ & his tool and proceeded with the act of being deflowered. And he forgot to wear socks…. Ati everytime he went to shop for the 3 pack he always found someone he knew there! He got another smack on his head! And to top it all, he got miguu sita aka chawa! Damn this kid!

Anyway I have advised him to buy a Gillet & doom spray. He should then proceed to shave his nethers clean, tie his gologo nicely (na juala) and spray away!

I hope that works

HAPPY HOLIDAYS PEEPS

PS:

4sale

How much would you pay for this blog?

My Playlist

Ne-Yo – Do you?

An extract….

Maybe this decision was a mistake.
You probably don’t care what I have to say.
But it’s been heavy on my mind for months now.
Guess I’m trying to clear some mental space.
I would love to talk to you in person.
But I understand why that can’t be.
I’ll leave you alone for good I promise.
If you answer this one question for me.

I just wonder,
Do you ever,
Think of me,
Anymore, do you?

etc etc etc angambi angambi…….then

I know what we have is dead and gone.
Too many times I made you cry.
And I don’t mean to interupt your life.
I just wonder do I cross your mind?


DAMN!

Deflowered….. soon…. hopefully

Posted: November 26, 2008 in Random, sex ed

Clande took me in…. but that didn’t work out either. I was too depressed, am still depressed. Wifey has lengaad all my calls, she has refused to see me, and all my emissaries come back with the same message – go drown in River Sagana! I dont even know where that is! Eish

Now clande throws me out too! Ati she wont have a grown up man mopping & crying around her house 24/7 – for another woman at that! Ni sawa tu!

I went to seek refuge to one person I knew always has my back, Jimmy. He is a good guy, really kind hearted. He says I can stay as long as I need. Thanks Bro – I intend to!

Now Jimmy Younger brother (JB) has just cleared 4th form and we have been hanging out (in the house) watching movies, playing cards, scrabble and whatnots….. He tried to interest me in video games sijui PS2 etc but lo, old dogs don’t learn new tricks.

The other day he confessed that he’s still a virgin and he wanted me to give him some pointers on how to be deflowered. Am always generous with (free) advise and I complied. This is what I told him

  • Abstain – wait until you get that right girl yada yada yada blah blah blah fishcake
  • If you indeed disregard that first tip, then identify the lucky lady. An older woman will do. By older I mean anyone between 20 & 35, the older the easier. Most men (90%) loose their virginity to an older woman. Make sure she’s not somebody wife, if she is, ensure that the Husband doesn’t find out. By the way, a mboch will do…! Just ensure she’s well groomed. You don’t want to provide an abode for miguu sita aka chawa huko nethers!
  • Don’t let her know it’s your first time – surprise her! And surprised she might/will be.
  • Carry & don’t forget to wear ‘socks’…… don’t believe that tale of ‘how do you eat a candy with the wrapper on…’ AIDS is real!
  • Borrow your brother his playboy magazines…. Ok steal them! You might want to know (first hand) what you will be getting yourself (literally) into. The biology books might have misinterpreted or mis-presented some facts a little. And don’t be shocked if you find a bush down there….. don’t compliment.
  • Dont forget that this is a marathon and not 100M sprint. Breaking Usain bolt world record will not get you any brownie points. Take your time, get her into the moods. Do some research on how to….. ok i’ll give you some handouts…eish!
  • Premature ejaculation is not a myth……..IT WILL HAPPEN!! If you think it will help ask, ask Palmela & her 5 friends to help you relieve the pressure. And again don’t worry, you are young, you will rise to the occasion almost immediately
  • If its good & she’s willing, there is no harm in hitting it several more times, then move on. Don’t get attached.
  • Remember my first tip!

 Happy hurting JB.

And now am sure my readers have a tip or two to add. Read on