Archive for the ‘ulevi’ Category

Business idea

Posted: February 3, 2011 in Random, ulevi

I saw this business proposal which actually made a lot of sense especially in these mututho days.

Since I cannot stop drinking it’s a good idea to start a bar at home. I’ll will give my wife Kshs 2,160/- to kick start the business. This will get her one crate of Tusker (@90 x 24) which she can sell to me at 160 making a profit Kshs 1680 which she should put in the bank while re-investing the original capital.

Now am known to consumer roughly 2 crates/week hence she will have Kshs 3360/- weekly (or approx Kshs 13,440 monthly or Kshs 161, 280/- yearly) in profits.

If I live for 10 years (and my liver probably bails out on me) she will have Kshs 1,612,800/-  plus interest which is enough to give me a decent burial and bring up the kids (if any) and may be clear the mortgage and use the remainder as her contribution on her wedding to a decent man.

Now how to convince her…. Hmmmm   


lucked out

Posted: November 14, 2008 in Random, ulevi

The plan was to have only 2 beers and then I head home. As always 2 became 14…. ok not really but i lost count at bottle no. 11…

I made it home (somehow), and that where my troubles started (again thats not true). It was about 6 am in the morning. I knocked the door to my house for a good half an hour before i realised that no one was coming to open it.

How did i figure that out?

Well, the house was empty! It seemed my wife had moved and forgot to give me a memo about that small fact.

I sat out there in the cold as the memories (of my life) flew by.

I remembered the despearate days when i lived in nakuru in utter desolate until she rescued me. She took me under her wing, moved me to the city and hooked me up with my first job. She was an angel. She took care of all the bills as she earned more than i did. I got really comfortable as i learned the ways of nairobians and i even got many friends (some with benefits) who me taught how to enjoy life.

By the time our daughter was born, i was rarely seen at home. I had no clue who my next door neighbours were, pathetic really.

All women seem to crave for attention (LOL). I wasn’t good at it and I didn’t want my wife to get it somewhere else. I forbid her to wear any provocative dresses. A nun outfit would have been fine. But alas, she is hard headed (kichwa ngumu), she would wear the most sexy outfit and to make matter worse, also started going out with ‘her’ friends. One Saturday night I got home before her, next day I bought and changed our house padlock. In the evening I found it laying on the table. Point to note – refrain from buying cheap Chinese merchandise – so easy to be broken into – by a woman at that (Sorry).

The other month was her Birthday (I think). I didn’t wish her a happy one, I didn’t buy any gift nor did I call to find out where she was the party was @ aka  ‘henging’ … I only found out about it later from a workmate….. ati where was I? Damn.

Now as I sit here in the cold, I wonder, what should I do?

Will my clande take me in?


the comeback..

Posted: August 10, 2008 in Random, ulevi

After the short stint, am back!

Apparently some of you misunderstood the previous post.

I was not going to commit suicide, I wasent quitting blogging (though the thought has crossed my mind), Nor was i quitting my job!

I was only saying goodbye to Ghana. I needed a break. I was coming home.

Yes, I have been home.

Not anymore anyway

Am now in the land of Museveni. In that city built on 7 hills…. dont ask. The length of my stay here, as usual, is unknown. May til November.

I should get an accent! and learn to like the saltless Matoke. LOL


I have quit drinking…well atleast for the time being. The first 9 days of August saw me try to cover for the lost time…tuskerwise…It was a daily affair! I had a good time though. I went Bar hopping on Wednesday, havent done that in awhile…it was fun. I got an offer for a 3some… hapo Maddi…. All i needed to do was loose my girlfriend. 

I didn’t, my GF is just too hot.

Now where is that waragi?


A class of his own…

Posted: May 28, 2008 in Random, ulevi

There is this joint i used to frequent saaaaana some few years back – i would call it my ‘locals’ problem is its not in my neighbourhood. I lived huko Thika road and this place is in Parklands but every weekend, Friday to Sunday i was there.

Actually its not a pub – its a kawaida shop selling kawaida shop things – Mkate. maziwa, mchele, TP, Sukari..etc but what made this place special was that it stocks Vinywaji from KBL at RRP – Recommended Retail Price. You buy your drink and drink it wherever and whenever you like – mostly outside the shop or in your car. Similar settings to NJuguna’s. Pombe of that place ni tamu sana ni kama imetiliwa sukari…. I still pass by once in awhile

Since its in a residential apartment block (owned by a former Mp for Starehe), it was not shocking to find someone who came shopping for breakfast at 8.00am holding a bottle of the frothy dwink that early and the mkate & maziwa will get to the house around midday or never…

The place also has very interesting patrons – many of them are DDO’s, Daily Drinking Officers.

Take this guy (i’ll call him Karanja…) who i have never seen sober. The first thing you notice about this guy is that he never speaks in Swa, its always English or Kikuyu. A very bright chap who happens to be a last born in his family. He’s 44 but has aged well and can easily pass for a 30 year old.

He is unemployed and still lives at home with his parents, 200 meters from this joint. No maid lasts long in their house coz as she’s swinging her hips cleaning the floor – old school style, karai na rag – he would be behind her doing a rendition of Shaggy, Mr boombastic….some of them didn’t mind, or so he said.

One time his father had ’employed’ him as his driver. He always carried a bottle of mineral water with him – you all know what contents were.

One day he got involved in an accident hapo Ngara at that Muranga road/Limuru Road Junction next to BP (now shell). The vehicles from Muranga road have right of way so after confirming all was clear he accelerated only to find the car infront of him had not moved…..Aliingia nyuma vibaya.

What does the dude do, He picks his bottle and walks to parklands – for a refill – leaving the old man to sort out the mess!

Another time (not once) he found himself in Town with no cash. The dude boards a Matatu and sits next to the driver. When the kange starts asking for colour, he asks him stone faced,

Karanja: ”Is the driver paying?”

Kange: ”No”

Karanja: ”Then am not paying. Si we are headed in the same direction enjoying the same ride…”

An Argument ensued and he was thrown out at KSPS stage.

He boards another Ma3, this time when he was asked for chums he asks

”Are you going to Odeon?”

By that time they are at AghaKhan hospital, he disembarks letting everyone know how frustrated he is that he has been made to come all this way…..

He hoofed the rest of the way.

Karanja is a very bold man.

One time from a drinking spree, he checked his pockets and found he had only 30 bob in him which he had saved as his ma3 fare home. It was midnight and he was hungry as hell…… but he needed to get home….. the hunger got better of him and he passes by Kenchic of Kimathi street

As he is leaving Kenchic with his viazi, he notices a police car parked hapo nje. On closer scrutiny, he recognises the car because it belongs to Parklands police station. A light bulb clicks, moment later, he’s aboard the car much to the shock of the 3 policemen who had just bought a full chicken and were getting ready to thoroughly work on it. The dude says hi and continues to pour his chips onto the chicken and then picks a drumstick.

The dump founded cops just stare at him. Karanja now on his second piece asks them, ”kwani you guys are not eating? Ama you are not huuuunggrrryy?”

No, he didn’t spend a night in jail – actually they dropped him at home. Lucky bastard!

Because of his drinking hard liquor he once became dehydrated and had to be admitted in hospital – Aghakhan. Imagine our shock when we saw a guy, IV drip and all walking towards the shop/bar and ordering a dwink!


PS: Archer & Modo have been introduced to this place…. Maybe they can share their experiences.


Another drunken post

Posted: October 28, 2007 in ulevi

Before i start the usual incoherent alcoholic rumble, i wud like to wish some two good friends the best time ever, mjienjoy vilivyo! That cupid boy has really been busy on the famous Bilas Train with his arrows and these two (and others) seems to have been willing victims….. yaani walindungwa kwenye kina cha nyoyo zao….. am already offering my services as a best man (provided there will be alcohol – but most likely i’ll be in the wedding  committee so DEFINATELY they will be alot of alcohol flowing)

Kesho ni monday so i need to do this haraka

Today i also got to understand my friends Super comment on Tuchane au tunachanwa post…….

he…heeeeee SHE IS DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS!!!! believe me Dr Xs!!! Very Impressionable, witty and nice!!! Did I mention that she excellent assets in that area (i kept staring–prayers required–again!!). She is CLASS (yaani was dropped and picked in a chauffer-driven Merc)..tihihihihihi….. (nione kando for details)…

He was meant to provide more details hapo kando but he didnt! Wewe Super tutakosana, stori of wachaing me hanging sio poa!

Retracting to the reason why am doing this at this hour……

I was invited for a Nyama chomaing outing leo – i have been away from Ke for 3&half months so u can guess how fast i jumped on the train for this one – It was OK but was not what i expected

The place was just a park with a convinient bar…… with watu mingi


You buy meat and then u choma it for yourself (am still comprehending this concept)….. Sisi wajanja, we just smuggled in some…..disguised like this


Fire was mingi


Si that Nyamchom looks appetising? Does that ‘kitambi’ look familiar?/?


The done product….. Dont ask


After feasting we got some alcohol into our system……well they did (will be pulled down after i sober up….or not)

 [Ka Mathata………down down it goes]


The bed beckons

Good week good people

A Drunken post..

Posted: October 24, 2007 in ulevi

No no this is not like Archer’s drunken post about his former over 30 chicca(s)……

It just an incoherent rumble…

Anything else?

Woody Allen is saying the girlfriend is cheating on him (Jason Biggs). This turns out to be true. In her defence she (Christina Ricci) says she only just wanted to confirm that she’s OK,  all parts were oiled (oiling) well, running smoothly and nothing is absolutely wrong – she just didn’t wanna do him and couldn’t understand why…….

The sound of a dropping coin distracts my multitasking – couch, labelled black & spider – 5 minutes it says. Jump up, red can & glass away – all is ready – only needs a dash of V & the black will do well (the only option anyway)…..isn’t kinda cold outside? The fixed one greeeeeeeen greeeen and yes you dimwit  ofcourse I’m! kwani…..drop it….. Knock (bang) on the back door – Damn, that cant be! Unless you turned out to be a jet fuel guzzler – there’s no way!!!

“Dude!” am I shocked? Yeah, I didn’t know….no one informed me….nway bila shindas…..what the hell was the name….? Vijana are maxing & chillin…..Out the other way….Ala ‘Sura ya malaika’ emanating from somewhere….got it! Huh? Naja basi…… this is funny, was it a coincidence or…?? Great timing I think to myself!

Options OPTIONS! Gotta make up your mind…… rev up the Audi (A4)….aint too comfy to do it and it may take a zillion turns to get (out) there…..see ya later! Where is that Isuzu pick up?? Pass by the ‘re-filler’ and fill up with 6 tights ones and one ka loose….thirst is calling!

Boys Boys….that’s a nice coooooooler……last time shenanigan were off the hingez……white ones were discussed…….we shud do it again blah blah…….damn Rooney – yaani how can you miss a penalty….. Bachelor herd wanna watch some English men battle it out with not so many black Africans….. am OUT hia!

Now this is more like it……I’ve stock?? Cool, Bump n Grind….smoke…it aint illegal, right?? Crazy, Hot, lots of it! Damn, kite can’t fly higher….. Sunday?? Maybe…Airforce 1 takes off…….followed by, haiya, ‘Solo’…….disappears to the horizon….damn……opportunity loss they say….. off you go you two…….

‘Man, did we have anything to eat tonight?’ BIMBO it is! Kuku porno lazima!

Oh yeah, the name is Scooby doo!

Is that the time (who cares)?



Am becoming a mlevi, drat, cancel that – I’M A MLEVI. I need help….. who has that number for AA?

Yaani my fridge is always stocked…….


See how much space is left for food??

There’s more…….


Ok OK (before you start praying for my liver), i didnt drink all that – i had some few guys over lakini they chickened out on the viceroy so that is still in my fridge….quarterway…..its my sleeping pill.

But you cant blame me, alcohol is cheap here like that case of Windhoek lagers cost me 81 Pula (Approx Kshs 890 which means one cost 37 bob).

Ms Xs has voiced her concern (many times) over excessviness of kanywaji…… kwanza the way the baby pot is turning to something else…….yeah a sugar daddy. The excuse that its genetical, been in my family is becoming so lame…..and so is ‘i kunywaad alot uji as a toi…”

So i need to reduce my alcohol consumption with an aim of quitting (Archer, Muthii, Kirima, Modo…….. INSERT THAT EVIL LAUGH HERE)

Am wondering what will i do if actually i quit the bottle (Insert that laughter here again)

What are the options

  • Learn how to knit
  • fulana.jpg
  • Workout and get to do that ‘around the block’ morning/evening jog
  • Iron my shirts instead of paying someone to do it @ 5 pula/shirt
  • Learn how to bake, cook chapati….deep fry an egg (Pilato 2007)
  • Do the dishes
  • Learn to enjoy non-alcohol induced sleep
  • Visit & chat up my neighbour
  • Find out where churches are in this city
  • Learn more about colours, sijui egg white, bone white, and all other shades of black…
  • Be polishing my shoes….
  • Rid myself of all these painkillers (for hangies) and EyeGene solution (to clear the redness of maitho)….
  • write more sober & sensible posts…. 

Yeah the list is long….. hebu i kamata another Heineken as i think of more options