Archive for the ‘wierd’ Category

Jimmy New Year Resolution

Posted: January 3, 2011 in Jimmy, wierd

Happy New Year folks. Hope you all the best

Its been awhile – was passing by and decided to dust up this place, remove cobwebs and maybe share a few of Jimmy escapades……

You know Jimmy, right? If you don’t I suggest you take a tour here… maybe there…. to acquit yourself with this crazy dude.

Sometime last year, Jimmy and I were sharing our favourite frothy drink from Ruaraka at the right temperature…. and at recommended retail price…. yes, we gotta save a shilling whenever possible.

Characteristic of Jimmy, out of the blue he declares to me his New Year resolution is to get married, ASAP. I laugh, thinking it’s one of his jokes but the look on his face suggested otherwise.

So i prod, and ask why he wants to get married.

He takes a long swallow, finishes his beer and asks me to get him another, I obliged haraka upesi.

When i come back, he seemed ready to talk.

He starts “I was taking a shower the other day, abit hangovered, when I noticed a small tiny blackish ‘lump’ on my wiener”  He pauses “Its a very scary thing Xs, i let out a shrilly scream that could only be rivaled my Mariah Carey, so many thoughts crossed my head as fast as it could process them. I was very sure my sleeping around had finally caught up with me and i was going to lose my dong! I stood there for a full 5 minutes, holding my member, wondering which hospital I’ll visit where I won’t encounter anyone i know amongst the staff”

I felt i needed to say something but before i could, he continues

“anyhoo, soon I calmed down and started examining the ‘lump’ more closely and this when I realized I needed to get married”

I tell him am lost.

He laughs and continues “you see what I actually thought was a lump was actually a tick yaani kupe which has made the head of my driller its temporary abode.”

Am now huko kwa floor laughing my ass off

So this his reason No 1 to get married, Since he figures If he was married or atleast has a steady girl, she would have noticed this sucker was perched up there. How did it get there? He had visited Shags that week and he reckons that’s where he picked it.

Reason no 2.

He has been drinking in some dingy pub huko Ngara, after he had gotten ‘tank full’ warning, he start walking to the bus stop (he’s daring like that). Now Ngara is an interesting place to walk at night, the place is crawling with langas and because he hadn’t had some ‘loving’ for awhile, he approached one. They haggle, negotiate on the price and finally agree on 30 bob.

*my ribs are still aching*

She takes him to a nearby ‘hostel’ where the business is to be conducted & concluded. Jimmy wears a raincoat and start riding the storm. He claims he rode it for a full 11 minutes and he actually enjoyed it. Drained he pulls out his sledge hammer (his words not mine) and as he was about to remove the sheath aka Kondiero he almost fainted.

Atop the plastic were specks of Skums and other veggies……. He screamed at her and asking WTF that stuff was. Nonchalantly she asked him, “what did you expect for 30 bob, huh? Nyama Choma or KenChick kuku?”

Apparently the Langa had led him to the dirt road…..   He had sobered up so went back to drink willing himself to black out & block the memories of that night forever.

I agree with him – he needs to get married.

To be continued……

 

A trip to the Xrated Zoo

Posted: July 29, 2008 in sex, sex ed, wierd

People, do you realize, Whether we are cognizant of it or not, sex is happening all around us? Ahem

And am not talking about your over-sexed neighbours, who you always wonder how they do it or if they swings…., No, am talking about other species of the animal Kingdom who we share this planet with. We can learn alot….. and am not asking you to go out & purchase DvD’s of Animal porn (do they exist?)….

I will confess that i have had my share of animal porn early in life… i grew up in a farm…. and whenever we heard that He-goat Bwehehehehehehe while he sniffs she-goat piss……., or when a Rooster started that chase….. we knew free shows were about to start! Damn, if only i had a camera them days…. LOOOOL

Anyhooooooo

I came accross some did-you-know-kind-of-maneno which i found quite amusing. Here goes

  • The red-sided garter snake mates by having massive orgies with up to 25,000 participants. Unfortunately, the male snakes pile themselves on top of each other trying to reach breeding females (known as “mating nests”), and end up crushing the female participants to death.

Now this i would like to see!!! 25,000 for real? and who counted? And what’s the purpose if the mnyanye is going to be crushed? And while we talking of snakes mating, where is there bolingos? nje ama Ndani… underbelly ama where? Does little Johhny snaky stand to attention….? Kuuliza tu

  • One snail shoots a “love dart” into a potential mate to indicate sexual interest, after which the potential mate will shoot a return “love dart” to indicate that they would like to do it as well.

Ati darts? So hio ndio kukatiana?

  • The male bower bird will construct a small home out of twigs and decorate it with wild flowers, the female bower bird will then fly into many of these homes and judge who would be the best
    mate.

Ho!

  • Rattle snakes – When the female is ready to breed, male snakes engage in violent dance battles to achieve supremacy over potential rivals while the winning snake will continue to dance in order to seduce the female.

After that does she still need foreplay?

  • Male guinea pigs are usually revving to “pleasure” any female they set their sights on, but in the rare case they aren’t in the mood, the fairer sex is more than willing to seduce potential partners with butt wiggling, grumbling and other “hot” moves.

 Ati hot moves?? This i need to see…

  • It has been suggested that female gorillas engage in bisexual acts in order to stimulate alpha males into breeding

Ati Atia?? Kumbe some human tendencies could be blamed from our ancestors…?

  • Though most geese prefer to form lifelong partnerships with members of the opposite sex, numerous males just aren’t interested in the sexual delights the female of the species has to offer. These geese are usually gay and end up developing romantic alliances with fellow males. Furthermore, some females, who appear to be sick of the local dating scene but who still want a family, are known jump into homosexual romps in order to be “accidentally” fertilized

ROTFLMAO!!!!! This one takes the crown!

Metro or not…

Posted: June 25, 2008 in Random, wierd

A scenario.

Dude walks in

Approaches Sink

reaches for Soap/hand gel…whatever

Washes Hands

Dries Hands

Approaches Urinal

Unzips

Reaches for his soft copy…

Aims at something

Relieves himself 

Zip up

Back at the sink

Washes hands (again)

Dries hands

Applies hand lotion as he stares at his image on the mirror..

Smooths hair

Checks teeth

Satisfied

Opens Bathroom door (using a pocket/hand tissue)

Departs

End of scenario.

Question: Is this a tad wierd or Is it being hygienically conscious or can this be classified as being Metro-sexual?

Can I oil your back…?

Posted: June 9, 2008 in Random, wierd

Its sunday, tha day labelled as ‘lazy day’ in your calender. You have no plans but just to be ‘lazy’. You need to detox.

After a heavy late breakfast you visit the swimming pool, its been awhile since you took a dip..

You are alone. Seems the other guests have either gone to church or are still holed up in their rooms, maybe horizontal, playing some bed-dance…. or is it bednastics..?

Perfect, now you can refresh your swimo-antics in the pool. Not a care to the world, maybe only a note to self – Dont drown.

Its a cloudy late morning but the water is nice and luke-warmish….

Aaaaah how relaxing, you wish SHE was there, maybe you could up the frolics…. and be a little naughty…. tsk tsk

You get a feeling of being watched…

Looking around you notice him, seated at the far end near the bar seeping on a coke, a cigarette dangling from his mouth…. yes he’s staring at you.

You ignore him and resume to your ‘relaxation’…. or whatnot..

After awhile you hear someone speak at you….

”How deep is it..?”

”Huh?”

”The pool?”

You ponder for a second. The pool is clearly marked, the deepest end is 1.5ft which reaches your chest….barely

”Not deep” You answer

”Enjoying yourself hey?”

”yeah” And with that you do a ‘mermaid’ move and disappear under the water coming out at the other end.

An hour later, having burnt out a good chunk of calories, you are basking yo black ass (figuratively) in the sun, maybe to make it darker…..

Akon is streaming from your Mp3 player aka your phone, threatening to burst your eardrums with Bonanza asking some lady to dance like a belly dancer…

Someone clears their throat…

He’s back, in swim wear, and has occupied the pool bed next to yours.

”My name is Frank”

”eeeeh mine is eeeh James…nice to meet you..” Its a lie

Frank: ”You alone..?”

No, i have a party of ten invisible people….

You: ”yap”

Frank: ”Are you here for business or pleasure?”

You: ”Business”

Small talk follows

Frank: ”Can i buy you a drink…?”

”No thanks” Gesturing to your one litre water bottle – detox remember..?

After awhile

Frank: “The sun is hot, how i wish I had a dark skin like yours..” He’s white..

You wonder to yourself WTF?

He continues “Can i apply some sunscreen onto your back…?

SAY WHAT??? Alarm bells blaring!

”No, Thank you” as you make excuses of how you have to leave..

As you hurriedly half-walk half run towards the nearest exit, struggling into your t-shirt… he shouts at you,

“Whats your room number..?”

DAMN!

Disclaimer: The above didn’t happen. Its purely fictional, the author has a vivid wild imagination.

 

Smack that….

Posted: March 27, 2008 in wierd

The title of this post was meant to be wierd…. but i thought ‘smack that’ is more catchy…..isn’t that wierd?

But not as wierd as am feeling right about now…… nothing much to it, i just feel wierd and am in a wierd unexplainable mood….

Remind of me my collection of wierd items, pictures, thoughts and ideas.

For example, can someone explain to me how this is an ambulance?

ambulance.jpg

Where and how exactly do you ferry patients? in the cabin as you chat? Is MOH – UG really serious?

and yes, it was carrying a sack of charcol hapo nyuma! Wierd huh? Only in Africa i tell you.

Next.

I swear this didn’t make sense the first time i saw it……. i wasnt sober though!

paynuse.jpg

It only made sense after i saw the entry door to the rest rooms….. but i sure got derailed! Like exactly what are you PAYING to use a 5 Bob?? Wierd i tell you!

Next.

Sometime back i saw on the TV  a story about the world heaviest man who weighs over 300 Kg…. having lost 200Kg. Now this dude cant even move on his own…… and then i hear he has a girl friend! I ran wild with one. So many questions and no answers forth coming. Like does he ‘hit’ it and do they ever try missionary??? Kuuliza tu!

{The picture is unavailable……. well until i get a software to help me download my mental pictures here}

I need to do more research.

And then, how do you indentify a Ugandan in a local bar in Kenya? You serve him beer and he DEMANDS a straw! Eish!

Now i need to put this wierd post away and start earning my keep!

And dont bother saying it, i know am a WIERD dude!

Random Nonsense

Posted: January 30, 2008 in Random, wierd

*Scenario 1:

Your girlfriend/wife/gashungwa/kipenzi after the customary hug looks you up & down and says “haki (insert appropriate pet name here), you have become too thin”! WTF??? Considering that you have been apart for only 8 hours, what do you read into this?

*Scenario 2:

You have a recurring nasty headache coupled with mild fugue/memory loss, your doctor recommends thorough testing. He starts with an EEG study, cranial x-rays, sonograms, pneumoventriculography, a lumbar puncture (one painful MF), an angiogram…….etc He also conduct further search in the brain tissue for neoplasms, cystic masses, abscesses, clots, aneurysms and benign gummatuous lumps…..

He checks for chronic intracranial pressure…… abnormal protein, cerebral breeding…… low sugar count that would maybe indicate bacterial infection or signs of fungus infection…..

After all this he prescribes an array of drugs and mouthwash! WTF? is he retarded? After a lumbar puncture you get mouthwash??

**The above scenarios are fictitious and any relation similar or resembling a real-life person(s) is highly coincidental! tsk tsk

PS

Did you know you can lose weight by just eating a protein rich diet? (Do i hear an AMEN!)

Apparently protein requires more energy to digest and thus you could metabolize large portions of it and still lose fat.

However, without the carbohydrates, the excess protein triggers ketosis which results in bad breath, constipation, nausea and general weakness. (A small price to pay if you ask me!)

Anywhooooo just remember, next time you order Nyamchom, forget the ugali & waru – just add a ka-quarter to serve as an accompaniment. It will be your first step towards  loosing that excess fat/weight

Quote of the day

Excess in all things is the undoing of men

Alexander (the movie), 2004

Hairy & Heavy bizness….

Posted: October 9, 2007 in wierd

Didier Drogba.

Yes, he of chelsea pensioners FC. I have never liked the way he plays but apperently he gets goals (somehow) and am sure he is propably worth every cent of his (approx) Kshs 15M weekly salary. Dont get me wrong, he is a great athelete – its just that i have no love for the guy. Am sure you are wondering where this is leading, right? Well, i have an issue with his hair – jamani seriously kwani he doesnt have a hairdresser or atleast a girl friend who should be telling him how terrible, atrocious & horrendous his gel laced hair looks? Yeye ulala na nini kwa kichwa? Stockings?

drogba.jpg

Moving to other equally unimportant manenos, sometime back my alter ego twin bro (inexes) posted some pixs of one damsel who had decided pose in nude and apparently someone thoughtful decided to share the pictures with the world. Someone had asked where/why/how come i get these forwards? For real i dont have an answer but i guess thats the pain of having so many eFriends, i aint complaining though. Yeah YOU included.

Where am i going with this?

Well i received another forward….. about the chicca below.

jamani.jpg

This is not thaaaat bad (actually its not even appealing) but am just wondering, can this be healthy!?!?! Si this Chicca atembelee a plastic surgeon jamani, eish! Hata kama!

PS:

I have deleted the forward…….. now off to figure out how to empty the recycle bin!