Jimmy New Year Resolution

Happy New Year folks. Hope you all the best

Its been awhile – was passing by and decided to dust up this place, remove cobwebs and maybe share a few of Jimmy escapades……

You know Jimmy, right? If you don’t I suggest you take a tour here… maybe there…. to acquit yourself with this crazy dude.

Sometime last year, Jimmy and I were sharing our favourite frothy drink from Ruaraka at the right temperature…. and at recommended retail price…. yes, we gotta save a shilling whenever possible.

Characteristic of Jimmy, out of the blue he declares to me his New Year resolution is to get married, ASAP. I laugh, thinking it’s one of his jokes but the look on his face suggested otherwise.

So i prod, and ask why he wants to get married.

He takes a long swallow, finishes his beer and asks me to get him another, I obliged haraka upesi.

When i come back, he seemed ready to talk.

He starts “I was taking a shower the other day, abit hangovered, when I noticed a small tiny blackish ‘lump’ on my wiener”  He pauses “Its a very scary thing Xs, i let out a shrilly scream that could only be rivaled my Mariah Carey, so many thoughts crossed my head as fast as it could process them. I was very sure my sleeping around had finally caught up with me and i was going to lose my dong! I stood there for a full 5 minutes, holding my member, wondering which hospital I’ll visit where I won’t encounter anyone i know amongst the staff”

I felt i needed to say something but before i could, he continues

“anyhoo, soon I calmed down and started examining the ‘lump’ more closely and this when I realized I needed to get married”

I tell him am lost.

He laughs and continues “you see what I actually thought was a lump was actually a tick yaani kupe which has made the head of my driller its temporary abode.”

Am now huko kwa floor laughing my ass off

So this his reason No 1 to get married, Since he figures If he was married or atleast has a steady girl, she would have noticed this sucker was perched up there. How did it get there? He had visited Shags that week and he reckons that’s where he picked it.

Reason no 2.

He has been drinking in some dingy pub huko Ngara, after he had gotten ‘tank full’ warning, he start walking to the bus stop (he’s daring like that). Now Ngara is an interesting place to walk at night, the place is crawling with langas and because he hadn’t had some ‘loving’ for awhile, he approached one. They haggle, negotiate on the price and finally agree on 30 bob.

*my ribs are still aching*

She takes him to a nearby ‘hostel’ where the business is to be conducted & concluded. Jimmy wears a raincoat and start riding the storm. He claims he rode it for a full 11 minutes and he actually enjoyed it. Drained he pulls out his sledge hammer (his words not mine) and as he was about to remove the sheath aka Kondiero he almost fainted.

Atop the plastic were specks of Skums and other veggies……. He screamed at her and asking WTF that stuff was. Nonchalantly she asked him, “what did you expect for 30 bob, huh? Nyama Choma or KenChick kuku?”

Apparently the Langa had led him to the dirt road…..   He had sobered up so went back to drink willing himself to black out & block the memories of that night forever.

I agree with him – he needs to get married.

To be continued……